Self doubt: the biggest fight

I hadn't realised that getting my black belt in karate would be such an emotional journey... 

Doing a kata competition as a green belt

I was so nervous I could barely get the words out... I finally responded as my name was called and held my breath. 'Shodan,' the examiner announced. One simple word that meant so much. It felt unreal. Shodan - 1st Dan Black Belt...

My journey had begun when I first started karate at university. After a 15-year break, I returned to training in earnest. I had a goal in my mind; black belt by 40. It was a tough, but not an unrealistic goal. At times I had felt on track, at others I thought I would never get there. One month I would feel I was really getting somewhere, then another I'd feel you have taken a giant step backwards. Looking back one of the biggest challenges was to get through those low points.

My first real glimmer of hope that my goal was reachable was 18 months earlier. I was paired up with someone going for a higher grade than me... suddenly I was being asked to do a freestyle fight. I landed a punch. One punch that gave me so much hope. Right on target, but with complete control to lightly touch my opponent's chin. It surprised me. Wow, I could actually do this! I stored that moment away and at numerous low points over the following 18 months I drew on that memory to give myself the boost I needed - it's something I've frequently used in the sport that remains my first love - sailing.

There was one more session before the big day. 'You're very calm,' commented one of the senior black belts. I was striving to be cool about it, but just how close my nerves were to the surface was evident when my movement in my kumite was commented on. It threw me, I felt I couldn't do it, felt I couldn't do what was being asked of me. But I battled with my self doubt, and remembered my Sensei's words from earlier in the week to just keep doing what I was doing.

My grading was set for June... At a black and brown belt course in Plymouth. I tried not to get too concerned about the grading itself... I had done the training, my instructor felt I was ready, and if I failed then, well, there was always the next course.

The day itself went by in a flash. I didn't hold back during the training session beforehand, having the faith that I was fit enough and prepared enough to give my all right through. By the end of the training session my gi was wet through - it was a brilliant but challenging session and I actually enjoyed it, taking the opportunity of letting the training push thoughts of the grading out of my mind.

I changed into a fresh gi and then my nerves started to build a bit. Breakfast seemed a long way away but I couldn't eat anything. I was very grateful for the bottles of energy drink I'd filled my bag with.It seemed like forever before we were called in for our grading... There were five of us, three up for their Nidan (Second Dan) and two of us for Shodan (First Dan). I was the only girl - which led to my first disaster. Assuming the guys had already gone in, I managed to walk in while the grading Senseis were getting changed! Red-faced I retreated quickly - but it didn't help my nerves!

The grading went by in a blur. I have no idea how I passed, I seemed to make so many mistakes but I just kept on going. Throughout I kept saying to myself, 'I want it!' When my hip delivered a jarring pain, when my calf cramped up, when I felt my body yelling exhaustion, I pushed it out of my mind and refused to listen.

Putting on my black belt for the first time

When it came to jiu ippon (a regimented one-on-one combat sequence) and I found myself gazing up at my seven foot opponent (I know, I know, he was probably only six foot), who was very good, but approaching it more with a competition style, rather that the intended aim of showing off his skill and mine. I almost let myself get psyched out by this, especially when he threw a mean kick at me. I remember thinking 'Oi! I didn't do that to you, I made my attacks very clear and made things easy for you. Now you're trying to make me look bad. I'm not having that! My next counter attack was more forceful, my shout louder. I felt my determination growing when it could have withered. I think that was the turning point.

To be honest I thought I'd already messed up, but told myself I had nothing to lose. That's what took me through to pass. I refused to let my mistakes bother me. Fought back against the nerves that had my hands shaking and had led to some silly mistakes. Fought against my self-doubt, any niggling thoughts that others were so much better than me and I wasn't worthy of the grade.

I walked back to the changing room and wanted to burst into tears. Part of me was convinced I'd failed, but I shouted back at that voice, 'Don't give up!' I had given everything. I hadn't delivered my best performance, but I had delivered the best I could on the day. I had no more to give. If it wasn't enough, well then I would be back to retake... I steeled myself for disappointment, but then came those magic words I'd waited so long to hear.

In the car on the way home, with my grading book freshly signed in the box labeled 'Shodan', I didn't feel elated, I just felt drained physically and emotionally. I had fought myself and won. Oscar Wild once said 'Be yourself, everyone else is taken.' I had needed those words to stand my ground. I was worth it!