Saturday 11 January 2014

There is no ‘right way', just 'the right way for you'

As a newly qualified teacher, all too many years ago now, I remember facing the reality of teaching a bottom set year 11 class the joys of Shakespeare. I tried sitting, then standing behind my desk, I tried standing in front of it. Then one day, when I was feeling buoyed by the delightfully enthusiastic year sevens that had preceded them, I perched my backside on the desk and felt myself relax.

"Never EVER sit on the desk," I’d been told on numerous occasions… but on the desk I felt comfortable, I felt more at ease, I felt more ME. That meant I came across much more confidently, and my authority was enhanced, not damaged, by the more relaxed approach. From that day on I took delight in sitting on the desk, sometimes even cross-legged, learning that the best classes I ever gave were when I let my instincts and enthusiasm take over.

"Don’t smile for the first term," they also said. But it was when I smiled, joked and laughed that I was much more successful in my classroom management – a stern, harsh, strict style simply didn’t sit well with my personality. There were many similar things I discovered over the following years of my career as a writer and editor about managing people, of any age. I had to find my own style... methods that worked for me as an individual... and I also learned that those approaches also had to vary depending on the individual employee, circumstance and dynamics involved. There is no right way, just the way that works for you.

Finding the right path as a parent

As a new parent I find I need to remind myself of this. Recently, I enjoyed reading Ava Neya's amusing article I Learnt by Going Where I Have to Go, which highlights the endless and conflicting advice that seems to come from every corner. She’s writing about sleep, but the same applies to feeding, weaning… in fact, as far as I can see, pretty much every aspect of child rearing.

“Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, carseat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the carseat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, carseat, stroller, or wear them,” she writes.

“Put the baby in a nursery, bed in your room, in your bed. Co-sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your baby, so never, ever do it.” I’m smiling… the stream of advice is all to familiar: “Don’t let your baby sleep too long, except when they’ve been napping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby…"

As a new parent you tend to feel you don’t know what you’re talking about. Everyone else knows better than you – and yet they all say different things. The reality is that every baby is an individual, as is every parent. While there are lots of tips, methods and ideas that are worth trying, you have to find your own way to the solutions that work for YOU. Information is very useful, but there is no RIGHT way that fits all, there’s just the way that seems to work best for you and your baby as individuals. And that doesn’t stay the same as the realities of life, and a constantly changing and growing child make every week and, at some stages, every night, a different one.

I think I’ll just keep on trying to take it all with a pinch of salt, chill out as much as I can and remember Ava’s concluding line: “Don’t worry. Stress causes your baby stress and a stressed baby won’t sleep.” A stressed parent won't sleep either!

I don't claim that I'm doing things right... but as any new family does, we're simply feeling our way through, doing our best to try to find the right way for us.